Where To Go From Here?

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The past few years have been monumental for me. This blog has followed my own personal journey from the initial ideation about love, faith and spiritual life to some major transitions. I’ve changed careers, departed from the denomination that had been the identity I most cherished, and basically had my life turned upside down.

This blog had started as a result of a prayer, as an act of faith, and was to chronicle a fight to overcome the odds. I had realized my own limitations. I was single, in my mid-thirties, working a job that didn’t suit me very well, and worried about being the unfaithful servant who buried his talents. Unfortunately, for myself, I didn’t know a way out of the predicament.

But, instead of wallow in my self-pity, I decided to actually believe what Jesus said, “everything is possible for one who believes,” and with complete reckless abandon, prayed to God asking that the impossible be made possible for me.

I had committed to believing beyond human reason or my own rationality, to believe without adding the qualifications so often used by the religious to excuse their own lack of faith and as a means of preserve their self-serving status quo. My aim was to overcome whatever, the bad luck, personal failures or cultural prejudices, that kept me from living out the potential that seemed to be locked away somewhere and yet was still unrealized.

Of course a big part of that prayer, given the importance of marriage in a conservative Mennonite setting, was in hope of finally getting beyond the invisible barrier to my romantic success and finding the “right one” who could love me despite my imperfection.

My deepest fear had always been that love is little more than a post hoc explanation of something determined at a far baser level. In other words, that love was decided by attributes mostly biologically predetermined or based in performance. If a person lacking the right inborn characteristics is essentially unlovable, then the whole mythology we build around love as something pristine or pure is a delusion and love itself becomes a justification of our selfish or carnal ambitions.

I was determined to disprove that hypothesis. I intentionally sought out a girl theoretically “out of my league” for a variety of those lesser reasons. Before this, I had always picked pragmatically based in who I thought would say “yes” (although they often didn’t) and not with any real faith. This time I picked on what I believed God wanted me to be and because she seemed to be the one who could get me past those limitations. She wasn’t someone who seemed frozen in indecision, she shared my own cultural ideal and would compliment my strengths and weaknesses.

Alas, her sanity won out over my irrational faith-fueled hopes.

However, in telling my story of faith and struggle this blog gained popularity. Over the time my hopes ran into the brick wall of her reasons she couldn’t love me (very much like those I had feared) this blog rose to prominence in the Mennonite blogosphere. Suddenly, in my moment of deep despair and disappointment with my Mennonite ideal, I had an audience of thousands. In a matter of hours a sardonic post assigning points for marriageability, something I wrote one morning while stewing over the reality of the depressing situation I found myself in, was a viral sensation and had obviously resonated with a great swath of people.

After that, I wrote a string of posts about some of those issues I’ve had with the church I was born into and previously didn’t know how to express. It was during this time that a blog post about fundamental flaws in the current conservative Mennonite thinking was picked up by Mennonite World Review. It later made rounds in a conservative email group posted by none other than Peter Hoover who had, by writing Secret of the Strength, inspired my Anabaptist perspective many years before and put me at odds with the creeping influence of fundamentalism.

The great irony in it all was that I reached the pinnacle of my own influence in the Mennonite world *after* I had attended my last service.

Since then, in a greater irony, I’ve seen a romance blossom that would’ve been impossible had I remained Mennonite and evidence of that kind of love of the faithful variety that I did not find where I had most expected to find it. There is a real story of the impossible being made possible developing, not the story of love triumphing over the odds that I had thought I would tell and yet every bit as powerful. However, too much is in limbo right now regarding that circumstance to write about it.

Beyond that, there is also my being immersed into Orthodoxy and the difficulty of putting that experience into words. I mean I could argue for Orthodox Christian practices and perspectives, I have written a couple blogs trying to explain such things to my Mennonite audience, yet Orthodoxy is something better to be experienced. Like Jesus said “follow me,” they make an appeal that is not strictly emotional nor intellectual, but experiential. Faith is something that must be walked to be understood. The Orthodox don’t proselytize in a Protestant manner. No, instead, they invite others to “come and see” like Philip did in urging Nathanael to join him and rely on the mysterious work of God:

The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, “Follow me.”

Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. Philip found Nathanael and told him, “We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”

“Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” Nathanael asked.

“Come and see,” said Philip.

When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, “Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.”

“How do you know me?” Nathanael asked.

Jesus answered, “I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you.”

Then Nathanael declared, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the king of Israel.”

Jesus said, “You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You will see greater things than that.” He then added, “Very truly I tell you, you will see ‘heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on’ the Son of Man.” (John 1:43-50)

Can anyone rival that with eloquent words or elaborate arguments?

I know I can’t rival that sort of mysterious work in my own words and worry that my words will actually take away from the beauty of the ancient faith. I mean, what could I possibly add to something so wonderful and profound with my clumsy and simplistic explanations?

So this all leaves me with a dilemma as a writer. Am I more than a one-trick pony? Even as I’ve progressed over the past few months, I feel my blogs have started to become a bit repetitive, as if I only really have one story to tell, and that has bothered me. My area of expertise, at this point, is how to fail miserably trying to find love in the Mennonite context. My painful past is something that I would rather transition away from, something to be discarded along with “former delusions” that I renounced at my Chrismation, to make way for a brighter future.

But the question remains, what will be written in the next chapter?

Where to go from here?

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The Child of a Creative Mind

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A couple months ago I was hit by a book idea.  I say ‘hit’ because that is exactly how it felt.  The source seemed external, the ideas flowed into my consciousness as if being downloaded and I worried I would not be able to get them out fast enough to keep my mind from bursting like an overfilled balloon.  The result was over 17,000 words and a ‘chapter’ that may actually transform into a first book of a series when it is the right time to pick up the project again.

The “Spirit of God” Found in Creativity

My ‘experience’ is not unique to me.  It was topic of a TED talk, “Your elusive creative genius,” where author Elizabeth Gilbert speaks of her thoughts after writing a book that went big and what she has learned since.  She describes a “protective psychological construct” ancient people used that has been displaced with individualistic rational humanism.  People of the past would attribute a “creative thing” other than themselves, which Gilbert argues was healthier and may relieve some of the anxieties felt by many creative people.

Interestingly Gilbert mentions the Greek word “daemons,” which translates as it may sound and is a spirit that possesses a person.  In the Christian lexicon, the word has a rather negative connotation and is the root of demonic.  Others, she claims, would chant “Allah, Allah, Allah” (translates “God, God, God”) when they caught a “glimpse of God” in the extraordinary expression of a person that could not be explained.  However, Gilbert does leave out one thing and that is how the Bible testifies similarly about a creative mind that originates from God and is God.

“Then Moses said to the Israelites, “See, the Lord has chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills— to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic crafts. And he has given both him and Oholiab son of Ahisamak, of the tribe of Dan, the ability to teach others. He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as engravers, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers—all of them skilled workers and designers.”  (Exodus 35:30-35 NIV)

In today’s age it seems even the religious do not characterize craftsmanship as a spiritual gifting and yet we see in the passage above that the “Spirit of God” is given credit for artistry.  Many Christians today tend to compartmentalize their pursuits labeling some activities as ‘spiritual’ and others as ‘carnal’ or lower, but I believe this could be errant thinking.  Perhaps God deserves more credit for the things we commonly attribute to human enginuity or efforts?

If we saw our work (mundane or incredible) as an expression of the glory of God within us rather than our own selves we would be freed of the fear of rejection if our work is not received well or appreciated and also of the problematic overinflated ego if we are successful.  If our great thoughts, athletic talents, entrepreneurial spirit or any unique abilities are not our own it changes how we use them and should make us more apt to share them without reservation.  Giving others what God gave us is the ultimate act of worship.

Child[ren] Born of God’s Spirit

In the Gospel accounts it is noteworthy that the religious critics of Jesus credited demons or the devil (Matt 12:25-28, Mark 3:22-29, Luke 11:15-19) for the miracles he performed.  Jesus countered that his works were good and credited his power to perform and authority to the Spirit (or ‘finger’) of God.  But this wasn’t to merely borrow divinity, it was to claim divinity and to a people who believed in a distant removed God this was blasphemy.  It was in reply to a charge of blasphemy Jesus quoted Psalms 82:6:

“Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your Law, ‘I have said you are “gods”’?  If he called them ‘gods,’ to whom the word of God came—and Scripture cannot be set aside—what about the one whom the Father set apart as his very own and sent into the world? Why then do you accuse me of blasphemy because I said, ‘I am God’s Son’?  Do not believe me unless I do the works of my Father.  But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father.”  (John 10:34-38 NIV)

Jesus appeals to their own Scripture where the Psalmist describes those “to whom the word of God came” as being divine or a ‘son’ of God.  But this idea of ‘sonship’ is not exclusive to Jesus alone, it is what Paul is talking about with the doing away of Scripture (the law) and becoming children of God through the faith of Jesus:

“Before the coming of this faith, we were held in custody under the law, locked up until the faith that was to come would be revealed. So the law was our guardian until Christ came that we might be justified by faith. Now that this faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian.  So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.”  (Galatians 3:23-27 NIV)

And…

“For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”  (Romans 8:14-16 NIV)

Embracing the Gifting of the Spirit

To be a ‘follower’ of Jesus is about much more than book knowledge and desperately trying to please God through our religious devotion.  No, those who share in Spirit that was in Jesus have freedom to use the gifts God gives.  Many who claim to know Jesus seem not to have embraced the power promised through the Spirit.  Could they be as the servant who buried his talent for fear (Matthew 25:14-30) and deceived?

“Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.”  (James 1:16-18 NIV)

Do you have a “good and perfect gift” that is left idle for fear of what others may think?  If so, do not fear, be free of those who confine you with their cynicism or doubt, and embrace the gift.  We are given abilities both ‘natural’ or otherwise to bring glory to the creative mind of God.  So, write, sing, work, play, administer, encourage, dance, dig ditches and do everything to honor God.  Stop worrying and live more fully in the Spirit.