Awaiting Resurrection…

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Nobody enjoys waiting and especially not for an indefinite period of time. This is why “progress bars” were invented to give hope to the user of electronic devices, through visual means, that their patiently waiting for the completion of a download, file transfer or update will eventually be rewarded and they can be on their way again.

There is nothing worse than waiting with no indication when or if the wait will end. Even a false assurance of an end (many progress bars do not speak the truth and are there simply to keep us from giving up) is better than waiting for an indefinite period of time.

As a truck driver, there was nothing worse than the undefined waiting period. I hated when someone would give me an ambiguous answer rather than a defined period. I would rather hear something concrete, even if it meant hours of waiting, than “soon” or “we’ll let you know” because those are words without commitment, that both keep you tied down and discontented.

Knowing when a wait will end or, at very least, that there is something at the end of a long wait, goes a long way towards making the wait more bearable. It can help one be prepared for that moment when the end of the wait arrives. At very least one can know how long they must distract themselves, if it is worth sleeping or when to set the alarm.

Currently, I’m stuck, once again, in one of those indefinite waiting periods and wondering if this one is indeed different from the others or just another delusion that will end in pain. So far I have busied myself in making necessary preparations, stubbornly holding back any doubts, but it is impossible to know if there’s any progress towards an end or if this too will end in catastrophe.

The next couple of years promise to be the launch of a new phase of my life and a close to a chapter that ended in devastation. In a very literal sense, something died in me a few years ago, having my sincerest faith so casually cast aside by those whom I had trusted my life with is a mortal wound, made it impossible to know my up from down, and I’m still awaiting resurrection.

Hope or heartbreak, only time will tell where this all ends…

2 thoughts on “Awaiting Resurrection…

  1. Debra Sensenig

    Prayers for you, Joel. Waiting is hard. And indefinite is even harder. We pray hope will be restored in you, not in people, but deep within YOU. Continue strengthening the gifts God has placed in you, and He will lead you to great places! Excited to see where that will be!

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    • Thank you for your prayers, Debra, because that might be the very thing that has kept my hopes alive through some dark times.

      As Fr Anthony said during my turmoil, there are no ‘lone rangers’ in true Christian faith and now being part of the church that the gates of hell did not prevail against, as Christ promised, I can never go back to the individualistic Gnosticism from whence I came. A church that is not a reflection of Christ is not worth attending, a church not committed fully to doing the “greater things” of faith is apostate and dead. Jesus told his disciples that through their love for one another the world would know who they were, we are literally to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and it is only through his most precious body that I hope of salvation.

      The Divine liturgy, using the words of the Psalmist, reminds us every week “put not your trust in princesses, nor sons of men, in whom their is no salvation.” But, in Christ and His church, the collective body of believers throughout the ages indwelled by the Holy Spirit, who gave us the tradition by word of mouth and Scripture, we should have confidence.

      Truly, as early Christians said, “one Christian is no Christian” and it is only through the prayers and help of my faithful friends that I was able to continue on even after my own faith had died. The only life I have left in me is through the Spirit and by those vessels unwilling to let me go. I can no longer be a part of a church that has given up on the very mission it was created for and for that reason am glad to be a partaker of a body that does not fail to nourish both spiritually or otherwise.

      I some day to have you and Chris right beside me, physically in church, but in the meantime will be content to have your prayers. Likewise, I hold to the hope that someone else who prays with me every night and is the reason I march on in faith (rather than feelings) will be physically by my side rather than only in heart. Resurrection is about word becoming flesh—let it be fulfilled in us!

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